 |
| Leukemia Awareness |
On a foggy afternoon in late September seven year old Livy was sitting in her living room, watching Disney Channel and doing her addition problems for first grade math. So ingenuous she was, sitting there with her pigtails, pink bows at the end of each. Her overalls were stained with mud from being pushed off of the playground at recess, her face was signed with the blood marks from other students, and her arms were bruised from when Maise Weiss had pushed her into the shallow, rocky, lake water on a recent field trip. Students misunderstood her shyness as narcissism, teachers were oblivious to the way the other students treated her, as they thought her parents were abusing her at home. Her mother had carried Livy as a donor-baby for her older sister Lucy, who was dying of leukemia. It was almost as if her parents were unaware of her existence, not only because they were depressed concerning Lucy's crucial condition, but because they had poured all their love into one child, so much they created another to be torn apart to save the first. When Livy was five years old, she had donated a kidney to her sister when she had gone into kidney failure. And by the time she turned six, had donated 15% of her bone marrow, good thing it grows back. Livy was unwanted, but it was on a foggy afternoon in late September that she, for the first time in her life, felt coveted.
Her father was in the kitchen, and her mother had just arrived home from work. It was when she walked through the door that her father proposed they go to the Washington State Fair.
“Oh honey,” said Livy’s mom, “it will be just us, you and me, against the world.”
“Just like old times” Livy’s father answered.
Livy was looking over the couch as her parents embraced each other, and distressed by the fact they hadn’t noticed her, she interrupted them to ask a question:
“What about me?”
Her parents looked at her, springing apart, while Livy looked luminously into their dark eyes.
“We could leave her at the neighbors?” her father suggested.
“No, they’ve already taken care of her twice this week and last” answered her mother.
“We could drop her off at school? She has tons of friends there.”
“No she has no friends.”
Biting her lip her mother was in a catch-22 situation.
“I mean, I guess she can come...” her mother proposed.
“What about Lucy, will there be enough room?” her father then questioned.
“Lucy's at a therapy appointment, there will be enough room.”
Her mother then put on her “nice face,” and told Livy that she could go with them. Overjoyed by how included she was, she raced out to their black jeep and squeezed in the back. She couldn’t believe her luck, she was going to the fair! Livy had never been to a socialized event before; her parents had always left her at home when taking Lucy out to get ice cream, or to go bowling, too much money for two kids. But Lucy wasn’t here today.
“This is going to be the best day ever” thought Livy.
As her parents started the car and rolled out of their driveway she kept this thought in mind, sadly, neglection always comes creeping back.
They arrived in Puyallup (where the fair is held) at 5:00. They had left at 4:00, but it was an hour from Seattle to the fair. Livy stepped out of the car and looked round at all the rides and games, while her parents stared at each other. They were communicating with their minds: why is this child here?
“So… Liv, where do you want to go first?” asked her father in an unenthusiastic tone. Livy looked round once more, so zealous that she hadn’t noticed her father had said her name incorrectly.
“Let’s go on the roller coaster!”
Her parents sighed, and responded that they could. As they walked towards the roller coaster, Livy’s mother got a call. When they got to the gate, urging Livy and her father to go along on the ride, she answered the call. As Livy and her father were loaded onto the roller coaster, Livy’s mother’s face turned worried. She ran over to the coaster and whispered into Livy’s father’s ear, he got out of the cart, leaving Livy alone. She figured they would be back, she figured they wouldn’t forget her, what she figured was wrong. Livy had never been on a roller coaster, and as it began to roll all her worries began to roll away as well. It’s too bad this state of nirvana wouldn’t last.
After the ride was over and Livy stepped out onto the platform and she couldn’t see her parents in sight. She figured they were just down the stairs. She walked down the stairs; they weren’t there. She then figured they had gone to the car, she walked out to where their car had been parked, only to find it wasn’t there. Being only seven, Livy couldn’t put the pieces of the puzzle together; that her parents had stranded her at the fair. She tried to think of her parents, what they liked, what they might want to do. Her parents had isolated her from them for so long that Livy couldn’t think of anything, anything except Lucy. Who did they like? Lucy. What did they want to do? Spend time with Lucy. The question now was what did Lucy like, what would Lucy want to do? Livy contemplated the possibilities, her older sister was cognizant of Livy’s existence, occasionally she spent time with her sister, and her sister had heard her talk of things she wanted. Lucy wanted to one day not be sick anymore, to be able to be free to roam around without an oxygen tank. Now initially, she could only think of one place where her parents could be.
She looked above and saw the ferris wheel turning. Its colors were bright, magical, and mystical. There was the sensation of a thousand rainbows. Livy walked nearer towards the wheel, until finally she arrived. The line was short, she would be on in no time. When it was her turn to step onto a cart, she saw a sensation of colors within. Blue, green, yellow, red, it was magnificent. Immediately after she stepped in the wheel began to turn. She was rising above. Before she perceived it, she was at the top of the wheel. The world was below her, she was above. The people in the cart above her were laughing idyllically, the people in the cart below here seemed to be on a tryst. So caught up in society, Livy forgot the reason she had embarked on this wheel, to find her parents. When her cart arrived at the bottom to be unloaded she remembered. She stepped out of the cart, and looked at everyone else that was striding out. She recognized no one. Her parents were not here. Thinking again, she remembered one more thing; Lucy liked horses,
It was getting late, the stars were beginning to appear in the sky, and a blinding darkness fell upon the fairground, the only lights were those of the rides. Livy walked towards the spinning, striding sensation that was the carousel. Lucy liked horses. This ride was to be the last of the night, and as Livy stepped on she noticed no one else stepping on. The ride conductor looked around; no one was approaching. He told Livy to hold on tightly, and pressed the button to begin the ride. Livy’s parents were not here. Livy held on tightly, though she didn’t see what the point was; who would notice if she fell off? The carousel began to turn, faster and faster. Livy was alone, the carousel didn’t stop turning. There was no one there for her, the carousel didn’t stop turning. Faster and faster it spun, a thousand miles a minute, not halting.
“I am alone” she thought to herself.
Gregariously, people walked by the carousel, talking with their friends, little children chasing each other around, little girls clinging to their mother’s hands. She wanted to be like them. A tear ran down her face.
“I am alone.”
The carousel never stops turning, the carousel never stops turning, the carousel stopped.
“Time to get out hun” the conductor said to her.
Livy departed from the scene, her face wet with the tears that sprung down her face. She didn’t want to be alone anymore. There was a taxicab by the road, Livy ran to it, scared it may leave her behind too. Still tears were streaming from her eyes. The taxicab driver stared at her.
“Well, where to?” he asked.
Livy stared out the window, thinking, where do I live?
“94 Grace Road, Seattle.”
The cab began to move, Livy was alone. Halfway there, Livy was alone, arriving at the destination, Livy was alone. She looked in her overall pockets and found a bill, she struggled with math, as she was still learning on how to read numbers. She handed the bill to the man, and stepped out of the car into her driveway. Her mother’s car wasn’t there. She walked inside, straight to her bed, and drifted off into a deep sleep.
The next morning Livy walked downstairs. Her mother was making breakfast, toast and eggs, Lucy's favorite. Her father had the TV on, on Lucy's favorite channel, while doing that he did the New York Times crossword puzzle, which was what Lucy loved to do. What else was new? Livy’s mom then yelled to her father:
“Breakfast is almost ready, let’s pack it up. We need to get there as soon as possible, she might have gotten sick again in the night.”
Livy didn’t know what was going on.
“Mom? What happened?” Livy concerningly asked.
“Ah I see you found your way home. Your sister was vomiting up blood last night, we brought her to urgent care right as she went into a coma. She snapped out of the coma, however, they say that this might be her ‘final surge’ of energy before the end. This could be the end.”
“Can I see her?”
“No. Lucy never liked you, she may have talked to you occasionally, but that didn’t mean that she loved you like a sister. I don’t want for the last thing my daughter sees to be you. Go to school.”
Little Livy picked up her lilac backpack and began the walk to school. The bell rang just as she arrived. She remembered the night before, how she didn’t want to be alone anymore, and she didn’t. After a short math class, it was time for lunch. Livy walked into the cacophonous cafeteria, stared at the table she usually sat at, alone, and began to wander in a different direction. She changed from diffident to desiring, and approached a table, empty exempting one person, a girl. The girl was about Livy’s age, she had blonde hair, blue eyes, she wore white sandals. Her head was buried in a book, her food untouched. With a surge of confidence Livy opened her mouth and asked:
“Can I sit here?”
The girl stared up, and her face broke into a smile.
“Sure!” she replied.
Livy sat down, stated her name, and then the girl stated hers, it was Lillian. They began to converse in a deep conversation. The carousel never stops turning, the carousel never stops turning, the carousel had stopped. After years of loneliness, the seven year old girl with pink bowed pigtails was no longer alone. Sure, she was just one person away from the state of lonely, but she had one person. That will make all the difference, for sometimes we must lose ourselves before we can find who we really are.
A sense of sorrow, a sense of pain, a sense of scarcity. All I can see is what’s in front of me; nothing behind, nothing ahead, nothing above. The ground below is scattered with sediment, everything else is green, fir, and branchy. My thoughts have been lost, the world around has distracted me from my contemplations of life. My surroundings are a mystery, and I cannot tell in which direction the path will next turn. There are no birds, no flowers, no life, other than the seeds that have become green monstrosities. There are rocks, there is dirt, there is no grass. And the trail goes on; step after step, hour after hour, trip after trip, never ending. 
Where I was going? I didn’t know. I didn’t know how I got here, I didn’t know why I was here, my mind was dominated by the thought of what this path would lead to. Would it lead me to everlasting torment, starvation, death? And that was when I saw it, a light. So bright it was, shining through the green, giving the dark, gloomy scenery a glow. And suddenly, I realized where I was going. I edged closer towards the light, when I stepped out into the glowing rays. The misty clouds cleansed me of my shame, then cleared away, allowing me to discern the beauty in front of me. I realized now why the clouds were here, as I was high up on a single, solitary peak, overlooking what was the world. Tremendously beautiful and sanctuarious, I gazed out at the flowing rivers, the beauteous birches, and thought, “this is it.” 
